When I first pitched the idea for this article, I overlooked one very important detail: that I, as a twenty-five year-old woman, would have to watch the movie that haunted my every waking nightmare from ages five to ten. The film that has no business being a Christmas classic due to the abject terror it induced in my young psyche. Even as I type this, the film’s jingle has come over the radio, as if to taunt me: Rudolph the Red Nosed Reindeer, had a very shiny nose…
Before we get to the crux of this made-for-TV special’s subject of inherent dread, there are a few thematic elements I would like to explore. At its heart, Rudolph the Red Nosed Reindeer is a film about a young reindeer who is born with an extremely superficial deformity, which causes him to become the subject of horrible torment and blatant discrimination by not only the other reindeer (including his own family) but by old Saint Nick himself.
When Rudolph, essentially ostracized from society, teams up with a “misfit” elf who has also been ridiculed because of his aspiration to become a dentist (foreshadowing), they embark on a surprisingly treacherous journey of self discovery. They team up with a miner (again, foreshadowing), to achieve…something. I’m still unclear.
We’ve unfortunately come to the point where I can’t put off talking about the bad thing any longer, so here it goes. Apparently, even Christmas Land (or Town, or Village, whatever), isn’t entirely crime-free. And by crime, I mean Yeti crime. This otherwise cheery, Dickensian dreamscape is haunted, nay, plagued, by what the townsfolk call “The Abomidable” (snowman…abominable snowman, if you didn’t already infer that from context clues). Though the yeti’s crimes are not explicitly laid out, Rudolph and Friends receive copious warning that he is to be avoided at all costs. Unfortunately for Rudolph, his bright red nose acts as a kind of Yeti honing beacon, leading The Abominable right to their doorstep, as it were.
In fleeing from the creature, Rudolph’s miner friend tells everybody that the yeti can’t swim, so he uses his pickaxe to break off a chunk of ice floe (see how the foreshadowing played out there?). They subsequently drift out to sea, thus thwarting the creature’s attack as the Abominable continues to roar menacingly from shore. This is our first brush with the beast.
Let’s pause for a moment. As a young, impressionable child, witnessing this enormous, hairy, fanged monster tirelessly pursuing our protagonist for the simple fact that he peripherally represented the theme of “Christmas” was such a dread-inducing concept. This entity soon became my single greatest childhood fear. The monster under my bed was the abominable snowman. To this day, no other movie monster has made such a lasting impression. Whether it was the scale of the thing, or the bloodthirsty vigor with which it chased after this small Christmas deer, Rudolph succeeded in creating a truly nightmarish creature befitting any horror tale.
Back to the film.
After drifting awhile, Rudolph and crew happen upon an island full of sad broken toys who also sing. Did I mention the singing? There’s so much singing that happens in this movie, from weird puppet mouths, which is uncomfortable. So the sad singing toys tell Rudolph and friends that they can never truly be happy without a child’s love, and no child will ever love them because, like Rudolph, they all have slight defects. Wow wow wow. So dark, right away. Rudolph asks for shelter on this island because, you know, they’re being HUNTED, but the king of the island tells them they can’t live there, because they’re not toys. Rudolph still promises to put in a good word with Santa to get them all into some sticky kid hands (which is strange considering Santa has already made it known how little regard he has for Rudolph) and they’re on their way again.
So, to recap, we have a group of societal rejects, braving extreme weather conditions while running for their lives from a wild creature who’s hatred for Christmas drives it to relentlessly pursue this motley gang. Are we still talking about a kid’s movie?
Here is where things get hazy for me. I either stopped paying attention, or blacked out from repressed trauma at this point. Somehow, the friends get separated. Rudolph finds out his mother and lady love have gone looking for him. He somehow knows they’ve ended up in the beast’s lair, so he heads off to play the hero. He’s extremely bad at it, and he too becomes ensnared in the Abominable’s trap. We have reached the climax, folks.
Luckily for Rudolph, his dentist elf and miner friends were not far behind, and soon turn the tables on the beast. The miner knocks some rocks loose on top of the monster, allowing the dentist elf to, wait for it, RIP OUT THE YETI’S TEETH! ALL OF THEM. JUST YANKS THEM RIGHT OUT. Now, of course, while this film is troubling, it’s not ghoulish enough to show this process play out. Instead, as the beast comes to, he realizes he can no longer strike fear into the hearts of man and deer (even though he still towers over every creature significantly), and the gang is able to make their escape. But not before we see our friend, the miner, supposedly FALL TO HIS TERRIBLE DEATH.
In the next scene, Rudolph and his elf dentist friend are back in Christmas-ville where Santa and all the other seasonal puppet creatures are gathered. Evidently, tales of Rudolph’s adventure have spread, and everyone is suddenly being super nice to him, because he “slayed” the monster, and also, they probably feel bad about his dead friend. Moments later, who shows up at the party, but the undead miner! And y’all, he brought the monster with him. But it’s fine now apparently, because somehow, getting all of his teeth ripped out made him love Christmas. So while the undead miner’s new indentured servant is placing the star on the Christmas tree, Santa finally sees the merit of having a flashlight-faced reindeer lighting his path through a horrible snow storm.
Moral of the story, kids: if you rip out a monster’s pointy bits, it’s totally safe to keep in your home. And never forget, you are inherently unloveable until you can prove your worth to all the people who mocked you for your nonconformity.
