If there’s one thing I’ve learned since becoming part of the horror community, it’s that, well, there’s a lot to learn. Life lessons are scattered throughout the genre, whether you realize it or not. We’ve all shouted at the screen while a clueless protagonist triggers every trope, creating a perfect comedy of errors that delivers them into the outstretched hands of our waiting baddie. If you’d like to avoid falling into any of these traps, check out our list of the most valuable lessons we’ve learned from horror films. Who says horror can’t be educational? After all, what is a horror film if not a cautionary tale?
[customfont1]Never trust an attractive stranger (What Still Remains) [/customfont1]
Surely after Dan Stevens’ chilling performance in The Guest (2014), we should all have learned not to open our hearts and homes to the handsome outsider with the sketchy backstory, right? In case you’re in need of a not-so-gentle reminder, Colin O’Donoghue is here to reinforce, through his eerily convincing role in What Still Remains, the very real dangers of the attractive stranger. Next time, think twice before you blindly trust a charming smile, or you might end up unwillingly betrothed to cultist. (FS)
[customfont1]Never respond to a distress beacon in space (Sunshine) [/customfont1]
We know a few things about space: 1. It’s big. 2. And because humans know so little about this “big space thing,” they tend to get in trouble and do very dumb things when in space. One of those very dumb things that people in space tend to do is answer distress beacons; this never turns out well. For example, in Sunshine a crew of astronauts—all seemingly smart people—answer another ship’s distress beacon on their way to save humanity. It’s no surprise (to us, at least) that what these men and women find on the other ship ain’t good. (AS)
[customfont1]Don’t answer Craigslist ads (Creep) [/customfont1]
The gig economy is a tough one, but you really shouldn’t just take every job that comes your way. It’s a tough truth to accept, but a lesson you don’t want to learn the hard way like Aaron did in 2014’s Creep. From the isolated cabin to the insistence on drinks to the general unsettling persona of Josef, Aaron had more than enough signs that he should bolt and he didn’t. The best way to avoid needing to evade a killer is to not meet up with him in the first place. (AP)
[customfont1]Play by the rules. (Scream) [/customfont1]
Scream is packed full of lessons on surviving a slasher, but the most important & meta rule (would it even be Scream if it wasn’t meta?) it teaches us is to just play by the rules. That’s how Randy survived the first movie. Evaluate your situation, adapt your behavior. It can keep you alive in a slasher, a sequel, the end of a trilogy, and really just your day-to-day. (AP)
[customfont1]Don’t read mysterious books in languages you don’t know. (Cabin in the Woods) [/customfont1]
This goes for so many movies. The Mummy (1999) and Evil Dead, for example. But Cabin in the Woods is perhaps the most instructive with the infinitely articulate Marty’s line, “Ok, I’m drawing a line in the fucking sand. Do NOT read the Latin!” You literally don’t know what you’re saying or what hell you’re calling down on yourself. Just close the book and walk away. (AP)
[customfont1]Always carry an epipen (Hereditary) [/customfont1]
Clearly, it is important to know what you are allergic to and how to respond if you come in contact with an allergen. It pays to be proactive and, you know, ask if a delicious chocolate cake contains nuts if your throat swells shut when you come into contact with them. In Hereditary, the real terror comes in before medical professionals can intervene. (MI)
[customfont1]Practice safe sex (It Follows) [/customfont1]
There’s a lot you don’t know about a potential sexual partner. Maybe they’ve got some kinks you’re not into? Maybe they’re not all that experienced? Maybe they’ve got a supernatural entity dead set on killing them unless they have sex with you & then it’ll want to kill you? You can’t test for that last one, and they’re not likely to be up front with it so be safe out there, kids. Remember: don’t say yes to a lay unless you know it’s not demon-play. (AP)
[customfont1]Don’t make fun of the weird kid (Carrie) [/customfont1]
Look, teen girls have it rough. And although teens in 1976 didn’t have to contend with cyber-bullying and internet trolls, they did have to deal with other teen girls—also known as the world’s nastiest evil. So, it’s no wonder that Carrie—that one weird girl in school—gets tormented by most of the girls in her class. Now, if those terrible girls would have just read this list, they would have known that bullying Carrie was the worst idea, like, ever. (AS)
[customfont1]Don’t stay at a haunted hotel (1408) [/customfont1]
There are enough variables at play when staying at a hotel. Does the hot water work? Will housekeeping respect the Do Not Disturb sign and let me sleep in? How clean really is the bedding? There’s no need to throw the supernatural in the mix. John Cusack tempts the spirit realm by staying in a haunted hotel room in 1408 and these forces extend checkout time drastically beyond his will (MI)
[customfont1]Don’t let your neighbor borrow eggs (Funny Games) [/customfont1]
It’s 2018. Eggs are cheap. Even organic, free range eggs can be purchased for a small amount of money. And distance from a seller is no longer an issue either–we got Uber Eats, Peapod, Doordash that can all bring you whatever your heart desires. If your neighbor knocks on your door and asks to borrow some eggs, a la Funny Games, don’t open the door. If you do lend them eggs and they come back to tell you they’ve broken them, call the police because you have a home invader on your hands. (MI)
[customfont1]Don’t write off your child’s imaginary friend (Our House) [/customfont1]
Kids are encouraged to use their imagination, and a lot of little munchkins develop a friendly entity to entertain themselves. If your kid is hellbent on this invisible pal existing, stop and listen. After a recent family tragedy in Our House, Ethan is forced to take on a parental role with his two younger siblings. He only believes their tales of supernatural forces in their home after he sees for himself. (MI)
[customfont1]Sometimes dead is better (Pet Sematary)[/customfont1]
No one wants to experience the pain and grief that comes when a loved one dies. And it’s that distress that could lead someone to wish that their friend, pet, or family member would come back from the dead. Well, I hate to break it to you, but this solution never works. Take Pet Sematary. In the film, a man decides to bury various recently deceased members of his family to give them a second chance at life. Guess what? Nothing—and I mean absolutely nothing—goes right with this plan. (AS)
[customfont1]Don’t use pre-drawn pentagrams (Hell House LLC) [/customfont1]
Think the gently-used chalk pentagram you happened to find in the basement will be the perfect addition to your make-shift haunted house attraction? That, my friends, is the kind of dangerous thinking that led the proprietors of Hell House LLC to their own doom. Whether it’s for spellwork, rock and roll, or just to spookify your space, it’s best to stick to the golden-rule of pentagrams: always draw your own. Probably best that we don’t tempt fate with a slow-leaking hell portal, after all. (FS)
